To Be or Not to Be?!?

Mature or Immature...

That is the question

From the time that we are young we have a desire to be seen as an adult. Imitating mature actions without really understanding them. Then suddenly maturity hits and reality sets in.  Life as a child was simple and beautiful; No worries, complications or chaos (except that which we inflicted on our parents ;)). Now, as an adult, those things are daily occurrences. 

Not to say that being an adult is completely terrible, because it is not. I have been blessed with so much and have witnessed some miraculous things. Which I would have never understood as a child. I have experienced being a wife and mother, which was what I aspired to be ever since I was young. 

So, to be or not to be...

Well, truth is, we are neither one or the other.

There are times that we are meant to be mature and then there are times when we are not. 

Immaturity does not need to be frowned upon in some areas. Embrace your inner child!

Sometimes it feels as if I have forgotten how to use my imagination. Which is really hard when you have an only child who looks to you to become his playmate. When I finally am able to reach my inner child, it is then that I connect with my son the most.

One night as my son, CJ, was climbing into bed for his routine story time I decided to spice it up a little. My mother use to tell me stories using me as the main character and I loved them. Now I could pass this down to CJ, I figured I would retell the story of Aladdin, but a simpler version. 

"There was a little boy named CJ and he loved to explore and find treasures. One day while CJ was exploring he came upon a lamp. The boy thought it was the neatest treasure he had come upon. CJ brought the lamp back home to show his mother, but before he reached the door to his house he noticed it was a little dirty. So, he decided to clean it up a little bit before showing it off. After a few moments of him wiping it off with his shirt it started to tremble in his hands. Pretty soon smoke arose from the lamp and out popped a genie to grant him 3 wishes."

By the look in CJ's eyes I could tell he was enjoying the story. I asked him what would be the three wishes he would wish for?

"A red vacuum for me, a yellow vacuum for my mom and a flower bed," he replied.

Now if you knew my son you would understand his wishes. He has always had a fascination with vacuums. It had melted my heart that he also was thinking about me while he was adding his wishes to the story. As for the flower bed, he was referring to his old mattress that was in storage, lol. 

CJ absolutely loved the story. He continued to talk about it for a whole week. Now he makes comments that when he is grown up he can buy whatever he wants. (Sure that's how it works ;), who needs wishes)

It is not always easy to tap into the young spirit we all have and bring it out into the open. With having a child I know that I need to reach my inner child more. Of course, I can't have my inner child stay. So it all comes down to balance. As a mom I constantly feel regret. I go through the questions: Am I am doing a good job, was my childs needs met and etc. I know that I am doing the best I can and that there is always room for improvement.

I think that it will always be that the kids will want to jump into the future, and the Adults will want to jump into the past. But, the present can be filled with both joys of  immaturity and maturity has to offer.

You might be thinking this girl is crazy, where did she come up with this? Yes, this is a little off the wall and I am a little crazy (crazily awesome! ;) ). It came from one of my many random thoughts of the day. Whats yours???

Wild ride

Sure has been one hell of a year and a wild ride at that. So many changes and struggles where to begin.
 Well, her it goes. First off my husband started to experience blurry vision. Come to find out he is a type 1 diabetic. We tried to get a handle on his blood sugar for months. It just kept fluctuating and was so hard to control. It should not have been that hard to control. He was doing the necessary things diet, insulin, carb counting etc. his blood sugar just was all over the place.
Dustin had started a new job which had better insurance. At the new job he went into diabetic shock a few times. The doctor recommended a career change. That is when we decided to start new. We filed bankruptcy, moved and he started school. Our new living situation was really hard on all of us. We were living with family and in an area we were not familiar. I guess you could say we stepped out of our comfort zone. Dustin found a school closer to our home town. The program sounded excellent and so did the living situation. So we packed up and moved.
Thought everything would start going up hill; Not exactly. We were at our new location for about a month until the semester finally started. Come to find out nothing was transferred and Dustin was not registered. We had everything transferred and met with registration had money taken out of our account and everything. There was no reason he was not showing up on roll. So we met with the lady who was in charge of transferring the grants/loans/registration etc. Well, we could have the issue resolved but he would be a semester behind and also he would loose out on some money. Unsatisfied with the treatment and whole situation, my husband transferred back to the first college he was attending.
This left us in a bit of a bind. Now we had to break our lease agreement. We tried to explain the situation to our landlord and asked if we could pay a fee because of the contract. Our landlord refused to listen or accept a fee. In order for us to leave we would need to continue paying rent until our unit was rented out. Well with our student loans and grants on hold because of the mistake the college had made we had no way of paying rent. Neither my husband nor I were employed at the time. We had been looking for work, but no luck. 
Our next course of action was to move back in with one of our parents and attend online classes until next semester hoping this would give us the opportunity to find employment and deal with medical issues my husband was/is experiencing.
An MRI was done on Dustin and the results came back as a tumor on the pituitary gland (left side). This could be the core problem to all the issues my husband has been having with his diabetes, thyroid, abnormal labs etc.
So with all of that being said, we are currently searching for a neurosurgeon to perform surgery before our insurance runs out in June. Also we are moving all of our stuff out of our apartment this weekend.
I know this sounds like a huge long complaining post. We have had so much support and my husband was able to find employment with the county part time. My son is so much happier in our home town. It has been hardest on my boys. As a wife and mother it is very hard to watch your husband and son go through these huge trials. Per my post on hyperhidrosis, someone always has it worse. Hoping and Praying that things will work out.

Hyperhidrosis

I have suffered from Hyperhidrosis since 3rd grade. Hyperhidrosis is a medical condition in which a person sweats excessively and unpredictably. People with hyperhidrosis may sweat even when the temperature is cool or when they are at rest.
I have tried many antiperspirants and topical creams. None have worked. The topical creams leave skin irritation and the antiperspirants just plain out do not work. There are other treatments such as Botox, laser surgery and spinal surgery; there is no way I can pay for those type of treatments.
If you have not met me or anyone with hyperhidrosis you probably do not think that it could be that severe. Trust me, it is. It affected me physically and emotionally in so many areas; Anxiety, paranoia, choice in apparel, dating, self esteem, job interviews etc.
I wish I could say that I found something that cured my excessive sweating, but unfortunately I have not. I have let it hold me back from doing a lot of things, but with saying that I have also taken a few risks.
As I stated earlier that this disease (if you can call it that) has affected many areas in my life. Dating was a big one. I did not date many people. Some would say that is foolish or that I am lucky to have found my true love so fast and so young. I would have to say I agree that I am lucky and truly blessed. Every time I would put myself out there to date someone, I dreaded the time I had to hold their hand. So I would explain my situation to the guy right before they got the chance to get a disgusting surprise. I mainly received weird looks, a few comments and sometimes they would knowingly take my sweating hand but have to continually let go to dry theirs off. Who can blame them for being disgusted or my embarrassment. My relationship with Dustin was off and on for quiet some time. When I told him about my excessive sweating I did not receive any weird looks, comments or even withdrawal. This is just one of many things that enhanced our relationship. Still to this day he does not withdrawal, and the only time he says anything about it is if I bring it up for discussion.
It is because of my husband that I stopped worrying so much about it and letting it run my life. All it took was one person to show me that I was truly special even with this huge flaw. He truly accepts all of me.
If I was to give someone who is struggling with this or something that is holding them back advice (which is easier said then done) is that you really do need to accept yourself and your problem. Don't let it control you.  Most people will not understand because they are not in your shoes, but know that you are not alone someone somewhere is struggling with the same thing if not worse. Someone always has it worse is a true statemet (even though sometimes we would like to think ours is).